(from l-r) Stephen, Tyrie, Alex, and Jenn nurse their hangovers at Snooze on Larimer Street. Photo from MTV.com.

– Week #2 of “The Real World: Denver” (it’s technically Episode #3, since MTV counts the premiere as two episodes) begins with a recap of last week’s hilarious mess, in which party boy Alex hooked up with Jenn quickly after making out with Colie. As Colie walks around the kitchen at the beginning of Episode 2, obviously hungover, she spies what looks like a wine-soaked rag on the floor, leading her to wonder who left it there.

– Could it be the drunken roommates from the night before, the ones that went behind her back to sleep with each other? The ones she’ll alternately cry with and make meaningless pacts with in the coming minutes? Is anyone in this house sober for more than 12 hours? What the hell is happening to “The Real World”?!

– Colie heads outside to the patio to complain to Brooke about it, setting the stage for a potential showdown with Jenn. Cut to the rest of the cast (minus Davis and Stephen) walking down various urban stretches of Larimer Street before eventually heading to Snooze for breakfast, where they meet up with Stephen. Says Jenn, as they sit there nursing hangovers with orange juice and prominently-displayed Aquafina bottles: “I feel like an asshole.” She says this several times, Stephen and Tyrie indifferently drinking OJ and picking at their breakfast. Does anyone but Alex care?

– Next we see Colie calling her friend Becca and revealing she made out with someone in the house already. Shocking. Colie denies feeling attached to Alex but says she’s definitely feeling “property rights.” Alex comes into the room and she dances around the fact that she cleaned up the pizza mess, wondering what exactly happened the previous night. We then see Jenn in the shower, and talking to the camera later about how she had been trying to avoid Colie all day. Colie notices her hickey and… uh oh.

– Cut to Colie and Jenn sitting at the desk in the house’s “office,” talking about how Jenn slept with Alex. Duh. Of course she did. They both start crying and the meaningless proclamations fly. “I love you to death” (Jenn). “I didn’t think you were like, wasted, wasted, wasted” (Colie). “I look like a hypocrite, I look like a whore, and I look foolish” (Jenn). “I need to stop drinking as much as I do, because I do things I don’t want to do” (Jenn).

Do you smell that? Is that you? OMG that’s so gross. Photo from MTV.com.

– Sounds like a regular prayer circle, right? Jenn says she didn’t actually want to have sex or make out with Alex to begin with. Right. “Colie will be at my wedding,” Jenn says. Strong bonds for only living together a couple days… Cue Alex to enter as Jenn leaves. “Why are you so upset right now?” he obliviously asks. Says Colie: “I don’t even know you. We only kissed.” Hmmm… so two days with Alex and you say you don’t even know him. Two days with Jenn and you guys are loving, weeping besties and future bridesmaids. WTF?

– Cut to Colie and Brooke in bed talking, Colie seemingly crying again. Whoever’s pumping those eye irritants into the house should really stop. Colie: “I want Alex to be different than he is.” Brooke: “It’s not going to happen.” Words of wisdom, Colie, words of wisdom.

– Alex calls his mom who chastises him with the subtle statement, “Don’t be a you-know-what.” Alex: “A whore? Mom, I’m just a playboy.” We then see Jenn, Brooke and Colie at Vinyl, Jenn mentioning Jared for the first time (her man from California that will eventually reappear later in the season). At Vinyl’s rooftop patio Colie drunkenly meets Nick, a “kid from Virginia,” and his friend Corey, and immediately decides to befriend them both.

– In a classy move, Colie and Nick duck behind the gas station at Broadway and 10th to pee, where they end up making out in the alley. Uh… that’s like two blocks from apartment. Not even the homeless crackheads in my neighborhood pee behind that gas station (they can usually hold their bladder).

– They all get back to the house and Colie, wasted, goes around kissing all the guys hello. Says Brooke to newcomer Nick, “I have a protective measure for her (Colie), so do not try and have sex with her.” Davis, looking smothered in bronzer, points out the hidden, impossible-to-figure-out agenda: “I think she totally brings Nick to the house just to make Alex jealous.” Gee, ya think? Then of course they all get in the hot tub. Tyrie, also warning Nick, says, “Know what you’re doing before you do it. That’s all I’m saying.” Full of wisdom, these people are.

– Alex later talks about how he doesn’t like the “Mr. Emo” side of his personality when he drinks. Please. That’s about as accurate as when Davis called him “punk rock” in the first episode. If Alex were emo he’d be weeping through his eyeshadow over a pile of crappy pop-punk CDs, then calling his mom and checking Myspace on his Blackberry.

Who are these people making out in bathroom, and where is my retarded pink shirt? Photo from MTV.com.

– Alex and Colie get into bed and chat while drunk, making a pact about not sleeping with anyone else for 24 hours. Well that was dumb. Alex rethinks it as he sobers up and leaves her this note: “We need to talk.” They do, and Alex reveals he wants a friendship, a more serious relationship than just hooking up. They blame all their problems on drinking. Colie tells Davis she was trying to make Alex into something he wasn’t. And on and on.

– The preceding synopsis (don’t worry, I’m not going to do a long-arse one like this every week) only serves to illustrate how obsessed “The Real World” has become with the emotional machinations of drunks. The entire show thus far could be boiled down to that last phrase. Unless we start getting some substance here soon, I think a lot of us are going to tune out.

– For a couple other good takes on the show, check out the TVgasm wrap-up (they hosted the online After Show with Alex) and Radar Online’s relatively harsh (but funny) take on the premiere. And right here you can read a Mile High City resident weighing in on the locations of the first couple episodes.