Is that a cell phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Photo from MTV.com.

– Thoughts on last night’s episode “The Real World: Denver” in this, its fourth week:

1. Boring? It’s starting to feel that way. Each plot fixates on what happens when they get drunk and yell at each other. I know not every episode can address the philosophical mysteries of life, but alcohol is becoming the same plot crutch that it is on every other reality TV drama. And we thought Denver would be different!

2. They finally went somewhere other than Market Street. Of course, it was just one street over to visit Public House, but still, it’s an improvement. And they went skiing, but that doesn’t count because it was so half-assed and late in the season. At least it gave Alex a chance to drive that friggin’ Jeep they’ve been advertising heavily the last few weeks…

– We start out with a reprise of the last episode, in which Tyrie sets up his alternate personalities (Dark Kent, Leroy Jones). As they’re making breakfast he subtly asserts to Davis, “I need some ass.” Don’t we all, sir? Cut to that night (presumably) at their new favorite bar, Monarck, as they’re freakin’ and drinkin’ and whatnot. Tyrie meets a young lass named Ashley. “The second she walks in the door,” he says, “she has her eyes glued on me.” I’m sure it has nothing to do with the camera crew, dude. Tyrie then meets Jazalle. “This girl is smart and she’s sexy,” he says. Numbers are exchanged. Drama is prepared.

– On the other side of things, Davis tries to plan a ski trip for the roommates. As he’s on the patio trying to convince Brooke, she’s all, “So there’s snow? To tell you the truth, not to be a party pooper, but I’m much more of sun person than snow.” News flash: The two are not mutually exclusive.

– Tyrie calls Jazalle, as they split-screen a shot of her dancing like a stripper. NICE. Seemingly a second later Tyrie calls Ashley, a flight attendant, who’s only in town for a week. They both want to meet Tyrie at Vinyl. “I got more games than Parker Brothers,” Tyrie asserts. Who can argue? He has a chat with Alex upstairs. “I need to knock that one out before
she leaves,” he says of Ashley. That’s usually how I like to think of sex: as knocking it out.

Is it just me, or is it too warm to be doing this? Photo from MTV.com.

– They return to Monarck, where both Jazelle and Ashley are hanging out. Stephen steps into the support role. “I’ve been a wingman for several years and I’ve learned how to do it pretty good.” Don’t sell yourself short, dude! When curfew hits (1:30 a.m., nightly) Tyrie has Jazelle with him. Stephen tries to stall Ashley while Tyrie walks home with Jazelle. When Ashley does finally come by the house Tyrie makes up a lame excuse about why he ditched her. Uh huh.

– Stephen reminds Tyrie about his not bringing “sand to the beach,” whatever that means (something about being attached, I’m thinking). Tyrie stops making sense in general as he chills with Jazelle and her friends, talking about majoring in science, “and the civil rights thing.” Jazalle eventually leaves and Tyrie chats about her with Jenn and Colie — who barely make an appearance in this episode — as they quaff huge glasses of red wine in the kitchen.

– Cut to the next day. Davis wakes his “ass up at 8 o’clock in the morning” to see if the cast wants to go skiing. Only Alex and Stephen take him up. They drive up I-70, obviously hungover. “None of us have skied a lot. I think Alex has skied one time.” Hmmm… sounds like they’re in for some crotch pain.

– They hit the slopes (Loveland, perhaps?) and rent some equipment. Stephen nearly gets knocked over by the ski lift. They slush their way down the mountains as the snow melts around them. And of course, they have a beer afterwards, but Davis is trying not to drink after his racist outburst last week. As they talk, it’s obvious that Stephen is warming up to him, despite their political differences. Maybe they’ll make out in the next episode.

I’m folding my arms because I’m really interested in what you’re saying. Photo from MTV.com.

– Tyrie visits Rock Bottom Brewery with Jazelle, and after their lovely day together they’re hanging out in bed talking about their pet peeves. “Jazalle is very reluctant to have sex with me, but of course I’m going to sit there and push her as much as I can,” Tyrie reveals. Really? I thought laying in bed half-naked just implied friendship. Alex weighs in one the proceedings: “Tyrie’s getting closer and closer to Jazalle, but I don’t know how much she wants to invest in a relationship that isn’t even going to work out.” Do I smell logic?

– The girls want to celebrate the Satanic weirdness of the date (6/6/06), but Stephen’s a bit paranoid about it, especially they want to hit a club called Sin on a Sunday. Come on, loosen up, God Boy. What better way to celebrate than to dress up in lingerie? Brooke is excited to look like “a whore.” Hmmm. Of course, they conveniently edit out the part where they actually hit the club.

– Cut to later in the night when they walk into Public House. Some moron calls Davis a fag. “This is not going to happen,” Tyrie tells the dude, happy to defend his gay roommate now that they’re cool with each other. The moron says, “He’s your roommate because he’s forced upon you.” True, but calling someone a “fag” is like begging for a beatdown. Unfortunately, the beatdown (implied in the episode previews) does not occur. Fooled again.

– Out of nowhere, Jazalle makes an appearance outside the bar, and Tyrie gets into a drama bind. Two hours later Jazalle is sitting on his lap in the courtyard of the house. Drunken drama is taken to a new level as they sit there arguing about saving “what they have” with each other, which is a drunken 48-hour hookup. They head into the confessional and repeat the exact same talk we saw on the courtyard, then start making out, then to the bed, and wee!! Sex is attained. Or is it?

Mysteries, people…

– If you missed the online after-show, in which Tyrie explains himself and expounds on other topics (like choosing Colie as the cast member he’d kick out of the house) you can watch it right here. There’s also a preview of next week’s episode, in which Jenn seems to get drunkenly pissed at Tyrie on some kind of private bus. What what?

A photo, sent in by a reader, of Tyrie and Jazalle on the corner of Market and 19th this summer.