According to Jenn and Colie, the boys always bring home the sluttiest of sluts.

– After last week’s exercise in petulance, er, the Outward Bound follies, we return to the Mile High City for more of what the roommates do best: drink and scream. A brief review of other episodes sets up the dominant themes of this one, namely how Davis would totally do Brooke if he weren’t gay, and how Jenn hates men sometimes. Alex in particular.

– Stephen and Alex meet a couple girls at an unidentified bar on Market Street and Jenn steps in to remind Stephen of his faithfulness to his girl back East, Mercii. Back at the house a horny, not-so-subtle Brooke starts telling Davis how she “needs a penis.” Other roommates and various hangers-on cavort in the background, underscoring her existential dilemma. Looks like they brought home more strays than usual that night. And I think I recognize a few of them…

– Non-threatening Davis suddenly shifts into vaguely-threatening-but-still-unattainable territory as he and Brooke practically hump on the beanbag. Davis admits he enjoys having sex with girls. Brooke can’t seem to fathom this. It’s called bisexuality, dear.

– More interstitial shots of the Tabor Center and the 16th Street Mall transition into Stephen calling his girl. He feels bad for hitting on other girls since he has a ring on his finger. Huh? Did someone forget to mention that he’s married or something? He wonders what good it is trying to be faithful if it doesn’t work. It’s kind of like quitting smoking or playing guitar — it takes a while to be good at it, and you have to want it.

It’s a simple question. If the moon were made of cheese, would you eat it?

– We’re back at Monarck the next night (what in God’s name did that nightclub do to get so much camera time?) and Stephen is gettin’ his freak on with more girls. Alex opines on his inability to keep his crotch to himself. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the free booze or 24/7 camera crew.

– You may recall that I happened to snap a few pictures of the cast from that night (see this previous post), although I only caught them at Martini Ranch — a bar edited out of this episode. The date was June 8, so they had only been in town a couple of weeks. Man, they must have really packed in those Outward Bound trips if these episodes are running in continuity, which we’re led to believe.

– Back at the house Alex is making out in the living room while Stephen plays drunken basketball in the courtyard. Stephen calls the girls “groupies.” I’m going to have to agree with him there. More girls wander around, hoping they’ll be on camera for more than two seconds. No such luck, ladies, unless you’re willing to get in the hot tub. And I think you are!

Should I tell my girl that I’m actually gay? I mean… a hypocrite?

– Mercii calls at that very moment (nice timing, yes?) and Alex answers, making a face like he just crapped his plaid shorts. While he’s still on the phone with Mercii, Stephen cups his hand against it and wonders aloud to Alex about the potentially naked girls in the hot tub, since the ones he brought home don’t have swimsuits. It was at this point that everyone in the room where I watched this episode blurted out what a pig (and other less palatable words) Stephen was. Agreed.

– “We’ve always considered ourselves soulmates,” one of the drunk girls says about the others, before making out with them. Tyrie looks on with mild revulsion. “You two are nasty,” he says, which is quite an insult coming from him, considering this footage.

– Colie sits on the couch watching the festivities with the same mild disgust as Tyrie. She notes that all the girls Alex and Stephen bring home have “blood alcohol levels of .20 or higher.” Sound effects of cats screaming accompany a shot of the full moon.

– So who are these girls? Let’s take a look at those photos I snapped…

– A reader named Stephanie wrote in to us June 13th to identify a couple. “Two of the girls sitting at the table are my friends (Emily, the girl with the green shirt, and Cassie, the girl sitting to her right).” (emphasis added) I wonder how they’re feeling about their 15 minutes now that editing has turned them into sex props?

– Tyrie, looking on again (he’s the sage observer of this episode) says the possibility of Brooke and Davis hooking up is the same possibility of him turning white. Far from true, my friend, unless you want to go through some crazy expensive operations.

– The next morning Tyrie’s eating breakfast (is that steak? That’s definitely A1 steak sauce, although the label is blacked out so Bunim-Murray Productions doesn’t have to deal with any unintended product placement issues). The horn-rimmed glasses look nice on Brooke. As one of my friends observed, she looks like dumb, whiney librarian with them on, instead of just a dumb, whiney person.

– We can’t spend too much time at the house though. We have to get back to the bars so Jenn can rub her boobs on Davis and Tyrie. Is the message here that Jenn is a mean, weird person when she’s drunk, or that she’s slutty? Actually, that black hat she’s wearing makes her look (at certain angles) like an evil woodland elf. Or a Britney Spears backup dancer. Or Britney Spears, really.

I’m sorry, but you can’t hump the refrigerator. Our food lives there.

– The cast returns to 1920 Market St., apparently drunk as hell. Jenn tries to fight through Stephen to get some water from the fridge. Drunken verbal sparring ensues, as Stephen and Jenn lead up to the preview moment we’ve been seeing for months in which Stephen blows up at her. A random dude named Rob looks on expressionlessly. Stephen smacks his hand on the counter. Ooh! Something happened! Wait. Not really…

– The commotion draws Davis and Brooke (sans pants) down from the second floor. Jenn retreats. Alex gives Stephen some advice. “Learn as much as you can about her and the next time something like this comes up, kill her where it hurts.” Just like Gandhi would.

– Davis walks upstairs to the phone room where Colie and Jenn are talking. He turns around and tells all from the conversation downstairs. Stop snitchin’! His double-agent status leads to Jenn heading downstairs for more screamin’ and confrontin’. Is anyone else getting dizzy?

– Back from commercial, and Jenn’s in the kitchen calling Alex, “A joke to society.” Does she mean a pathetic joke, like Lindsay Lohan? Or an evil joke, like The O’Reilly Factor? Brooke, on the steps, listens intently. Jenn starts crying and freaking out as she calls Alex out, retreating to Davis who meets her with a warm embrace. And perhaps, inaudibly, a sigh.

I was totally going to say something but I forgot what it was.

– Alex can’t take it. He heads to the courtyard for a nice cry. Tyrie: “Everybody has a breaking point and Alex has officially reached his.” Man, sure took awhile didn’t it? Without Tyrie’s sage observations during this episode we’d be nowhere. Alex backpedals blatantly. Come to terms, man!

– Next we’re in the second floor “office,” where Stephen and Alex talk, surrounded by books they will never read. I love the props on this show. Although I guess the only things that aren’t props are the cast members’ genitalia and livers.

– The girls grab a meal at the Tavern Downtown and Jenn blows off steam about Alex’s “sharp tongue.” What about his plaid shorts? Alex calls his mom, a supportive voice that’s nonetheless oblivious to his jerktastic ways. Alex and Jenn have their requisite heart-to-heart about their misunderstanding, Jenn looking on with barely-restrained tears (cue a walk-by from Colie in baggy white sweatclothing).

– Stephen and Jenn have their own heart-to-heart and harmony is once again restored. For now. Bottom line: These people will stab each other in the back and cheat on their boy/girlfriends at a moment’s notice. Kind of brings of tear to your eye.

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