“I love you so much I’m gonna grab your arm and twist it like a Twizzler.”

– I skipped this episode of “The Real World: Denver” to head to Austin, Texas for the annual hipster clusterfunk known as South by Southwest, but I enlisted longtime Get Real Denver contributor Scott Lieber to blog about Episode #19. Here’s his thrilling report:

– MTV opens with a recap of Jenn’s second hookup with Alex, something she blames on a mixture of “Him being a single guy and me feeling lonelyâ€? (read a recent BuddyTV interview with Alex right here). We then hear Davis asking if Jenn likes Jared, and Jenn says she “Loves Jared.â€? Who’s Jared? “I do have someone back home who I sincerely care for,â€? Jenn says. “His name is Jared.”

– We’re also reminded about how Tyrie once juggled ex-hookup Ashley and current girlfriend Jazalle at the same time. Ty suggests Ashley is someone he could “knock out before she leaves,â€? while he confesses he likes Jazalle more, the first girl who has gotten his heart in the last two years. Aw, that’s sweet. He’d never hurt her, right? Wrong…

– The episode officially starts at Monarck, where Stephen informs Colie and Alex that Tyrie told Jazalle he loved her. Stephen asks “What the f**k?â€? and Alex laments how this is “bad for the frat.â€?

– Outside in the car, Ty tells Jazalle that he’s protective of his heart, and the only person who has it right now is his mother. Jazelle confesses that Tyrie has her heart, then adds that he better not “f**k it up.â€? Tyrie shoots back that she better not “f**k it up.â€? Such poetry.

– We flash forward to Alex and Tyrie shooting hoops back at 1920 Market. Alex calls Jazalle an “intelligent, intuitive personâ€? who can really help Tyrie. “Plus she’s really good looking.â€? In an effort to show how much better Jazalle is than Ashley, Tyrie says that ever since he and Ashley hooked up, he hasn’t called her. Tyrie confesses that, on a gym date with Ashley long ago, he “got a workout before (he) went to the gym.â€? Then he admits that if the opportunity for a threesome comes up, he may “got to do what I got to do.â€?

“OK, so like, should I blame my drinking on my alcoholism, or my alcoholism on my drinking?”

– Meanwhile in the hot tub, Jenn says she dislikes hot guys and likes “scruffyâ€? guys. Brooke admits her first boyfriend had really messed up teeth and long hair. “Ever since then I’ve had a thing for long hair,â€? she says. But not for messed up teeth? What gives?

– Jenn describes Jared’s tattoos (an angel and a devil across his chest) and says he’s “one of those guys who doesn’t wear a shirt.â€? We then see a picture of Jared minus his shirt but wearing thick glasses. Nice touch.

– The scene cuts to Jenn on the phone with Jared, admitting that she hooked up with her roommate. “Who was it?â€? Jared asks. “A roommate.â€? “I know,â€? he says, then adds, “Which one?â€? Jenn tells him it was Alex, and Jared mutters how, “That sucks, you know?â€?

– Jenn starts crying (shocker!) and says she doesn’t “want to be this person who does this to you.â€? Uh, too late. Jenn blames alcohol and continues crying. Jared says it was like a “punch in the gut for meâ€? because he thought they had something. Jenn confesses she hopes he gives her a second chance. Jenn then seeks out Colie, who suggests Jared’s feelings for Jenn won’t change, but his feelings about coming to visit may change. Jenn says she “can’t lose him.â€?

– When we come back from break, Jenn is still crying and calls her sister Michelle to confess to her hook up with Alex. Jenn mentions how Jared said he’s waiting for Jenn, and Michelle says she’s seen Jared out kissing other people. “You personally saw him kiss someone else?â€? Jenn shoots back. Jenn’s sister promises she’s seen it and Jenn grows angry.

Jenn slaps her forehead upon realizing that she left her jug o’ Rossi downstairs.

– Jenn preaches about how, “It sucks when you go out on a limb for somebody and you care about somebody and you try to do something good for somebody and try to do the right thing you get slapped in the face.â€? Yeah! No run-on sentence there.

– Jenn then walks outside and Brooke wonders, “Why is everything so sad right now?â€? Jenn tells the cray-cray what Michelle said. Jenn rationalizes sleeping with Alex and says, “Kissing is more intimate than being drunk. Kissing somebody in public at a f**king bar that I go to with — that I go to — to me that’s just as bad as me hooking up with a roommate who I don’t know and being drunk.â€?

– At least she feels better about what she did. Brooke bonds with Jenn by telling her to “never feel sorry for a man. Never.â€? It’s not shown, but I assume they then put on pajamas, break out the reduced fat ice cream, toss in some Sex and the City and talk about how all men are dogs. Preach on, sister.

– We cut to Tyrie talking with Jazalle, who tells him she has fallen for him and trusts him. Is this a bad time to mention that Tyrie slept with Ashley? Apparently not. “I did some things before you and I got together,â€? Ty says. “Like have sex?â€? Jazalle asks. Ty admits he did, and Jazalle asks if it was with “big head.â€? MTV clears up the confusion by explaining Big head = Ashley, apparently because, as Tyrie notes, the girl has “a big-ass head.â€? Jazalle takes the news well enough.

“Yo, Stephen, your baby sister called. She wants her liver back!”

– Stephen’s friend Darnell shows up Stephen gives him a house tour. The guy roommates chastise him for being a lightweightbefore they head to DC10, where they meet up with the rest of the roommates (you may remember when we wrote about it back in July). Jenn starts dancing with Darnell, calling him “absolutely beautiful.â€?

– By a stroke of comedic genius, Ashley, Tyrie’s old hookup, is serving them all drinks. Jazalle walks in, sees the scene and walks right back out. Tyrie tells Alex that this “is exactly what I don’t like about going to bars.â€? It’s a fairly routine problem when I go to bars, too, Ty. Try avoiding the ones where the ex-girlfriends work, though. Works wonders. Tyrie screams how he doesn’t “have time for that bulls**t.â€? There’s only two hours left to drink!

– We return from break to find Ty, Alex and Davis squeezed in the back of a cab, where Ty makes little effort to keep his voice down. “I had sex with this girl Ashley.â€? Ty then explains that if Ashley weren’t so hot, the problem wouldn’t be as severe.

– Meanwhile, at home, Jenn (trying to be a good girlfriend) tells Darnell that he’s so hot and runs away to avoid hooking up with him. Colie asks Jenn if she likes Darnell, and Jenn responds that “he’s so f**king hot.â€? This appears to be enough for Colie, who encourages her to “do it.â€?

Against all odds, the cast members find a bar that isn’t Monarck.

– Darnell tells Jenn he should come to the Westin, because “it’s a nice place.â€? Sly dog. Jenn starts kissing Darnell and Stephen drops a jaw watching. With guilt setting in, Jenn mentions to Darnell how she has Jared back home. But, as she reports in the confessional, he “messed upâ€? and now Jenn is “done.â€? Jenn calls Darnell hot again, and he says, “Look at you.â€? “Look at you,â€? Jenn says back. Brilliant.

–Tyrie, meanwhile, is trying to calm things down with Jazalle, screaming into the phone. “She’s not cuter than me, just so you know,â€? Jazalle says. Always good to be reminded. Ty tells Jazalle he loves her and she responds that she’s outside the door. Ty runs outside to talk to Jazalle as Jenn runs upstairs to pee. “We should go outside,â€? Darnell says, overhearing Tyrie and Jazalle outside. “That’s not funny.â€? The camera runs outside.

– “Listen to me for five seconds,â€? Tyrie screams. “That’s all I’m asking.â€? “Don’t scream at me,â€? Jazalle says. Ty barks back, “I’m not screaming at you.â€? Jazalle tries to leave but Ty grabs her by the arm and pulls her back, so she runs into the house and into the bathroom, crying.

– Ty storms in with the always-conciliatory greeting, “What the hell?â€? He proceeds to tell her he loves her and she says, “If you love me you wouldn’t scream like that.â€? Ty responds, “I’m not …â€? (screaming?) “… perfect.â€? Nice save. The two start screaming back and forth and the roommates grow concerned. Ty insists she just listen, listen, listen.

“Get outta there! We have to peeeeeeee!!!”

– Jazalle cries hysterically and tells Tyrie he scares her when he yells. “Because you won’t listen,â€? he goes back. Jazz tries to leave the bathroom and Tyrie grabs her by the arm and pulls her back in. Jazalle yells “Owww, stop! Don’t do that!â€? “Just listen!â€? Ty screams back. The flawless argument is lost on Jazalle, who screams as something breaks in the background.

– Jenn and Jazalle’s cousin run to her aid and try forcing their way into the bathroom, but Tyrie doesn’t let them in. Stephen comes and tries calming down Tyrie, but he keeps repeating that “she won’t listen.â€? The argument continues to fail to penetrate their feeble minds and they continue tustling, and MTV teases us with the season’s second “To be continued.â€? Um, at what point should the cameramen interfere? Ever?

– Of course, in the next episode we’ll see Tyrie being carted off to detox, something we first told you about months ago (in this post). So don’t be surprised when the show’s editors make it look like some big stinkin’ deal, when really it wasn’t even considered an arrest. On the other hand, MTV did feel fit to cart people off for walking too close to the house several times (see here).

– Next week: Jenn and Darnelle get serious as Jared tells Jenn she’s not his girl and Tyrie continues to wonder why Jazalle just won’t listen. Spoiler alert: Jared visits Denver at some point and kisses Jenn. I saw it with my own eyes…